foreverbeme’s blog

Yuhoo!! pay day ..kaya kejap jap kakya kayap balit.hmm after tolak all hutang hutang berapa ajak yang tinggal untuk survive for the entire month.konvo tinggal sebulan lebih gik, duit sik cukup2. harap2 cukuplah duit pada masa ya..

well, need to spend some money on the car.. for the interior at least. im going to take care of "my baby".well, so many plans for this month. Rainforest, gi nikah my cousins in Bau in the coming weekend, Ngiling Bidai (Penutup Gawai), Induction course for law programmes, University of London and USQ Programmes started also in July, exam and assignment marking for July 2005, fuh!! the list goes on and on.. kepak ohh…

well.. got to go to work now! to be continued soon ..:) hope so

I try to live like other normal people would do. I try to take life easy instead of taking it so hard like last time. I try to breath in and out, try to face each day with a smile instead of tears and pain, hoping that at one time i can wake up from sleep and not having that "feelings" anymore. I try not to think that much about what will happen next time or in the future and just let things flow by itself. Someone told me that dont think about the future but think about what you wanna do tommorrow. what’s your plan for the next day. In other words, dont think that much, he told me.

I wanted to believe in everysingle things that he said but why im still loosing my mind? Why im still loosing part of myself? why im still loosing him?hmm.. i still couldnt find the answer till this very moment.On my way back home from work just now, i was thinking all the way back.Got "the song" on the radio-Breathe Again. I dont know why whenever i listened to that particular song, he’ll be back in my mind. But things are different tonight. Im way too tired. Was it time to let go? Then i realised that im hurting so much inside but i managed to make it invisible in other people’s eyes and especially him. The thing is i cannot lie to myself. Im way too tired of surpressing my feelings, the hurt, the pain and my dissapointment. Sometimes i felt that this is way too much for me to take:(

Dont know what makes me hold on to this one belief. Dont know why im still here letting days passing me by without trying to actually make things better. I guess ive been trying too hard, but still not good enough.Ive been trying to read all the signs, trying to get the message but i cant see it. I try to pretend nothing is happening, i try to deny the feelings but i cant. i try to move on like i never knew him but i cant. God knows how hard i tried till there was one particular time, i cried the whole night knowing the fact that nothing changed inside of me. I pray all the time that this feeling will vanish and the pain will recede, but its not happening.

im hurting so much inside. I admitted that fact today. I cant hide it anymore. Im emotionally tired and exhausted. if only I could pack my things and leave, hoping that this would somehow help me, then i will choose to leave. A good friend of mine was saying, running away from problems wont solve anything.Face it, confront the problem and thats how you handle problems. Not by running away from it.Try to deal with it. If only others can see what’s happening back then, they would believe me..

Something is wrong with me. Something is incomplete, which remind me of that particular song. Dont feel like writing about my class and my work today and my interview yesterday. it was a tough one, that’s all i can say. Hmm what good is a heart if you scared to choose, but im  a human being, i got feelings that i wouldnt lie.

"Incomplete"

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can’t find no rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go
I don’t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Incomplete

Hmm..ari tok mencatat sejarah juaklah coz amik sick leave for the first time ever sejak keja tok. i guess im too exhausted, that’s y. and my bp is getting high.pressure i supposed. my birthday yesterday was the quiet one i supposed, excpet for the fact i managed to grab a drink with my two buddy after work. I felt sick but now much better than this morning..

There are so many things in my mind.Eversince yesterday im thinking that i need to reach out to someone but then it was out of reach. i felt that deep down im feeling something, but i try not to think about it. i know its there but i try to ignore it. I wish i could just pack my things and leave but i cant. I know i cant.One thing that i guess would somehow stick with me.. and it wont leave. Dunno where is this heading to and i know im on way..

im not pretty happy about my current job so i hope i can get through the monday’s interview. But if i could not make it, then i guess i have to bear for another few months until my convocation. so i must earn money and i could not afford to be unemployed now.

dunno what else to write.. it took me some time to figure out what to write. Well rite now im listerning to another song that i want to include for my blog today. You were there  by my fav’s male artists and composer Babyface. This song is a theme song in one movie , i guess Simon birch (correct me if im wrong)

Time passes, the world changes
But I’m still the same ole’ kid
And your jokes still bring me laughter
As if you still were here
And it hurts
When I smile
’cause my heart still remembers
When you were around

’cause you were there
When no one was
Just when I thought nobody cared
You showed me love
’cause you were my friend
You always told me
And I am still here
Because you were there

So precious, small treasures
A time when truth was innocent
True friendship, was all we were after
A place where kids could still be kids
And it hurts
But I’m glad
’cause at least I was blessed
To have you as my friend

You’re my best friend
There are no accidents
God has a plan for everyone
And he brought you in my life
To show me what a good friendship was

p/s: to my buddies … love you guys!!

happy 24th birthday to myself!!wow, another year older and i should be another year wiser. Despite the fact that today is my birthday,dunno why i felt something is missing this year. somemore, i need to work on my b’day nite where im supposed to spend some times with my family and friends. I should be happy.Allah has give me a chance to live this far so I should not take for granted His Blessing and the life that He has given to me.

Last year birthday was the one that i couldnt forget. That’s the first time i celebrated my birthday and everyone was around including him. Nothing else means that much.Hmm.. this year wont be the same i supposed. Never felt this lonely. Im in the middle of the crowd but i felt the loneliness. Now I understand what Aldeena was saying.. i miss Aldeena’s laughter.Dunno why tonite im thinking about her and how she’s coping with her life now..

Thank you yang and ida for remembering my birthday and for being the first few people who wish me hepy birthday! its been great to have you guys around for so many years. Im glad that our friendship survive till this very day. I’ll always cherish our friendship, remember that. Enon, hehehe ko paling advance wish ku hepy b’day. bila lagik ku dapat nak kuar dengan kau?hopefully one of these days aku ada time untuk kua dengan kau:)

Adoh terasa tua! dont feel that im 24 but 25 years old. Funny, the world around me changing but im still the same old girl who still fight dengan bapak for the sake of one box of ice cream. I also still cry like a baby.Nothing much change in my life except for the fact that now i’m working so i have new responsibilities, new planning for life and career and etc. So many burden on my shoulders and dunno till when i could bear the burden. But I believe that Allah put this burden on me because Allah believe that somehow i can get through all this.

Despite the fact that im now 24 years old, there are things that i still could not left behind. There are things that kinda stuck with me all these years.Dunno how long its going to be here with me.. now im listening to how can i not love you- the song from the Anna and the King movie. I like the lyrics and somehow it relates to what im facing now..

Well for today i think the one song that i want to share with everyone is Over and Over by Puff Johnson. This was the theme song in First Wives Club Movies. This song somehow always remind me to keep moving on over and over and keep fighting on and on ..

Over and Over

So you stood there on the corner
With your suitcase in your hand
Ready to quit this place
There were just too many people
With too little left to lose
And you were just one more face
But you weren’t born to give up easy
You weren’t raised to just lie down

Then you say the sun that rises up for more
Over and over
You watched the wave that wear away the shore
Over and Over again
And if there’s any justice in this world
Gotta keep fighting on, Over and over

They say that God always forgives us
But can we forgive ouselves
If we let our hope die?
Cause if passion is a weakness
And if silence is a strength
Who’s gonna hear the cry?
So we gotta climb the highest mountain
We gotta shout for all to hear

Then we’ll see the sun that rises up for more
Over and over
We’ll feel the wave that wears away the shore
Over and Over again
And if there’s any justice in this world
Gotta keep moving on, Over and over
Over and over

All that we dream can come to be
All that we’ve lost we’ll find if we
Just strike the match and fan the flame
We’ll build a blaze that lights the way

We’ll be the sun that rises up for more
Over and over
We’ll be the wave that wears away the shore
Over and Over again
Cause if there’s any justice in this world
Gotta keep moving on, Over and over again
Gotta keep moving on, over and over

* For all my beloved friends.. somehow we gotta keep moving on and dont loose hope in life. hehehhe.. pandey nasihat tp sak jak dirikpun masih kedak tok juak. tapi try to understand the lyrics.. you would understand what ive been saying.

adios! b’day girl nak tido

Well, the holidays are over .. tension! isok kenak pegi keja lagik. the best part is i havent finish my work, updating lesson plans and notes for class. what a irresponsible lecturer:) im way too exhausted today, jadi driver bukannya senang, especially from one end to the other end.penin palak..

hmm.. today i found a miracle product that can make our skin clean and clear. Well, ive been switching skincare products and today after so many years, finally i saw some living proof. i think i wanna try this product, safe and guaranteed. lagikpun this thing was a boom in s’pore for the past years. So after seeing some people using it, i decided to give it a try later.. very expensive but can be used for few months. i really want a clean and clear skin..

somemore got this plum product that would be useful to detox your body and loosing weight.. hmm, its time to loose weight!! why not i invest some money, i never invest one. so, there’s no harm to try. somemore i need to detox my body. too much toxic in my body i guess. that’s y i always felt sick .. its about time to invest some money for own health.

my old friend of mine post me a question today.. kinda hard to answer but i know what he’s trying to say. guess he’s been reading my mind.

you miss someone so much, you know that you love the person but why you cant say it out. love shouldnt have fear he says,love should give us strength and courage. You cant call the person or sms the person to say all those things that you felt inside.so he asked again. what’s the point of feeling it when you cant say it out. or when you’re not allowed to express it ..why? i sometimes asked myself that question too.you feel it inside. you know you do but you cannot say it out. so where’s the sense in that?

well, its simple. In life, sometimes we will meet some people whom you might think the one but in the end you find out it was not meant to be. Love does not guarantee a happy ending. Not all people who are in love ends up to be together. This is a painful fact, a bitter truth but somehow you just have to live with it.

i guess im used to keep my feelings to myself. Whether i say it out or not would not make any difference. That was my answer to his question. And he replied, well love shouldnt be this way.. and he give me this look and he said, you should not surpressed about how you feel, your pain.it will kill you slowly day by day.. and that’s why some people claim love hurts when it shouldnt be…

This is my first blog on friendster.Actually never thought that i would write things in here but then again i guess what’s the difference with journalscape.Its all the same thing, sharing ideas, feelings and experiences in life, in love, in career etc. Hmmm.. it took me sometimes to think on what’s the title should be and what’s to write. Then the word holding on came up to my mind and i wrote it as my first title for my first blog.

I guess the title is somehow suits my situation at this point of time or perhaps these few years. In life we have so many belief that we hold on to or we believe into. I’ve been holding on to things that perhaps way too impossible to happen. Deep down, i dont loose hope and faith so i keep on believing the power of prayer that someone used to tell me. Pray to Allah, He will listen to all your prayers no matter how impossible it seems. Then he asked me, what do i want in life? That very question somehow made me realised that its been a while that i asked myself what do i want in life and till now im still figuring it out..

So many things in my mind. If human can actually read or see other people mind and heart, i guess some people would freak out to see what’s inside me.Hmm … now im getting way too personal for others to view..

anyway,im now listening to a song that someone gave to me and when i first listen to the lyrics, i realised the message that he’s trying to send . hmm, write more senses soon ..

She believe in me

While she lays sleeping
I stay out late at night and play my songs
And sometimes all the nights can be so long
And it’s good when I finally make it home
All alone

While she lays dreaming
I touch her face across the silver light
I see her dreams that drift up to the sky
And she wakes up to my kiss
And I say it’s alright
And I hold her tight

And she believes in me
I’ll never know what just what she sees in me
I told her someday
If she was my girl,
I could change the world
With my songs,
But I was wrong.

But she has faith in me
And so I go on trying faithfully
Forever in my heart she will remain
And I hope and pray,
I will find a way, find a way

While she lays waiting
I ask myself why do I hurt her so
What calls me on along this lonely road
Why don’t I turn around and head back home
Where I belong

While she lays crying
For she knows how my heart is ripped in two
I’m torn between the things that I should do
She deserves it all and I’d give it if I could
God, her love is true.

And she believes in me
I’ll never know what just what she sees in me
I told her someday
If she was my girl,
I could change the world
With my songs,
But I was wrong.

But she has faith in me
And so I go on trying faithfully
Forever in my heart she will remain
And I hope and pray,
I will find a way, find a way

While she lays sleeping
While she lays sleeping for me